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Where I AM

  • Elliott
  • September 25, 2012
  • 9

I have not been posting much lately. I have been writing quite a bit but have not found much I wanted to share. Because of several inquires, lately, concerning my status, I set out to write, as openly and as honestly as I know how to be, about my current situation. I offer, here, the results of this effort.

This does not really qualify as a Secret to Peace, so forgive my misplacement, I would normally put something like this under my ET’s Reflections blog but it is not functioning right now.

Where Am I?

It is so easy to get completely lost
Without direction, without a plan
Having lost sight, of the wheres
And the whys,  of the original goal.
Only convinced that there was a goal
Because there must have been, Right?

I have experienced just such a loss of course in my own life. Spending a lot of time on non-dualism finds me questioning the significance of anything I “thought” I wanted and the value of anything I “thought” I had to share.

I have found myself treading water with no shore in sight, and no desire to try and choose where to apply my energy.

To be committed to just live in the present and to say “yes” to what appears seems to entail a lot of waiting. Waiting for what is not apparent; just that waiting is important.

Following what I love does not seem to offer a lot of answers for me either because I love too many things. I love sitting and thinking. I love writing those thoughts down. I love listening to others thoughts. I love sorting and rearranging things I love, like books and tools and computers. I love being quiet. I love gazing in Awe at beauty and magnificence, in things, people, and animals.

Except I only love them when I love them.

I love being with people
Certain people
Until I love being by myself more.
Then crowds will not do
Even crowds of just two.

That I am flawed, I am aware
But where are the instructions
That delineate the differences
Between what is flawed and
What is perfection?

Between being mired in thought, and
Returning to the stillness between the thoughts
My world revolves.
My existence seems to lie
Between both extremes:
Between the noise of the mind
Which, given it’s head,
Will run out of control,
And the quiet, nothingness
Where “what is” needs no examination
Needs no validation

Writing seems to require a “me.”
Being totally in the “Now”
Can only happen without a “me.”
Back and forth I bounce
Directionless, aimless, observer
Thinking, judging, examiner

Between the two
I still exist
I value both experiences
Because I am the experiencer
Except when I “am” not.

Back and forth
My judging self
Clamors for control
The quiet just waits
Insinuating itself at every break

Not sure where this is taking me
But I feel no need to intervene
To careen between exhilaration
And frustration
Is at once amusing, entertaining
And stifling, oppressive

I am not even sure I could intervene if I chose to. I seem to have lost control, provided I ever had any to lose. The thinker, doer wants me to make goals, list steps to reach them. The observer finds all such expenditure wasteful and meaningless.

I am not sure when I am more lucid:
When I do as I have always done
Or when I let go and simply “be.”

To be here, fully here, in human form
Requires a balance of doing and being
Some things have to get done.
When the basement floods
You have to spring into action,
However distasteful that action is.
How revealing the anger can be
That arises, from deep within,
When life’s floods find you unprepared;
As If we could ever be ready
To have our world turn on its axis.

Well this is my life right now. It is an odd mixture of highs and lows, peaceful calm and ancient battle, ecstasy and agony.

Healthwise, (whatever power directs that) cannot decide if I am to be a cripple or a functioning human. The more I demand my own will, the more evidence I encounter that indicates my will is irrelevant. Letting go and letting come “what may” seems to offer greater promise.

I am not in a battle, although my judger would be comfortable with that assessment. To me it is more like being in the discovery phase of any investigation. I am gathering data while being unsure if there will be any “me” who will ever care about the information collected.

Thank you for being here and for sharing your loving thoughts and energy. I am exploring and I will try my best to share what I uncover as I move through aspects of my self I never knew existed. I appreciate your interest. I share this only in the hopes that someone will benefit from my journey.

P.S. It is my hope to be sharing more, very soon, but we will see together what is to be.


  1. I,too, seem to be in a holding pattern Elliott. I find myself not being inclined to push against or resist what “is”. Whatever is going to be is going to be…lessons keep coming…Currently pain, as I recover from surgery, is keeping me very present – even though there doesn’t seem to be much going on. I’ve been pretty peaceful actually…the good news for us all is that all is well :-)

  2. This comment came via Email from a good friend Bob K. I think it is worth sharing and I received his permission to do so:

    I have gone through my own “loss of direction” for a while, and am so glad to be free of that stage of my life. I feel that I had lost my identity, and it is starting to recreate itself. It’s been an interesting journey!

    Last weekend, I went on a canoe trip with my scout troop, and there was a time that I was in my canoe on my own, and had capsized, and being sure that I can take care of this situation, I ended up being pushed further into the river while fighting against the slow-moving current. When I realized that “my way” was getting me nowhere, I relaxed, prayed, and was given to message to work with the river, things became much better.

    I couldn’t help but to reflect on how the canoeing trip mimics our life journey. Sometimes I’ve made life much more difficult by trying to do things my way. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been in great control, except that it wasn’t so much me in control, as it was me working with the forces around me.

    Sometimes ending up in those eddies along the way was a great chance to rest, and was needed before moving on down the river, but being in that eddy too long can cause frustration and lack of orientation, so it’s best to keep moving down the river when the time is right.

    I’ve also realized, especially while watching some of the boys, that it’s OK to zigzag down the river while learning how to steer, and that it’s important to stop and find the fossils or to swim (or both) to have the best kind of trip.

    I continue to be reminded that life works much better when I’m not afraid to ask for help, whether I think I need it or not. Most of all, I was reminded that God has a sense of humor, and if I get too serious about things, I’ll end up with the opportunity to laugh at myself.

    Thank you Bob. I think these are excellent reminders for all of us.

  3. Elliott, so many of us are going through the same thing or have just come out of this period. I believe it’s a transition and adjustment period that is much needed because of how rapidly we are expanding in awareness. Like walking on a sand dune in a wind storm, what we consider reality is shifting rapidly. The quiet times are necessary. Rather than a loss of direction, it’s a course adjustment.

    Blessings of peace and joy to you, my friend!

  4. Thank you for taking time to comment Jacqueline. I am comfortable with not knowing where this will take me. Writing again is helping me with any discomfort. You were helpful with the shifting of my inertia. Thank you.

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