The autonomic data base, I cannot seem to leave at home,
Starts running,
Starts querying
Offers information
Neither sought
Nor desired.

It is not particularly demanding
Although it does expect that the information offered
Will be accepted
As valid and pertinent.
It has been in charge
For so long,
It’s authority seems non-negotiable.

So I have an immediate battle
When I try to look at you
Through new eyes.
These input sensors appear loyal
To this autonomic master
Regardless of my demands, hopes or dreams.

I process so much information
I easily lose all hope of seeing anything,
Most especially anyone
With the eyes of a child.

Our history,
Be it real or imagined,
Fuels an expectancy
Which by all appearances
Seems to be insurmountable.

If this stored memory
Has been one of joy
I am immediately
Delighted by your presence.

If I have judged
Our prior interactions
As less than pleasurable,
Then I must claw my way
Through a haze of discontent
To even appear to be open,
To the possibility
Of an affable relationship.

I am told, repeatedly,
By sages and sunsets,
Simply “be here now“.
Leave the past
With each exhale.

Yet I often find I have no present
Not fully defined by the past.
All of my senses seem to
Conspire to keep me
As I have always been.

I know not to judge you.
I’ve worked at that for years.
Yet, sometimes, the best I can do
Is ignore the flashing lights
And whistles
Which insist on warning me
Or alerting me
To what I can expect
From someone who looks like you
Someone who dresses like you
Someone who talks like you
Someone who smells like you
Someone with your history
As defined by mine.

So, in my quest
To see you with untainted vision
I spend all my time
Begging for forgiveness
For this incessant need
To define,
To intellectualize,
To brandish
My perceived skills
At reading people.

When we meet
And you wonder why
I am not great at small talk
Now you know.
I am battling my own inner voices
Begging for sanity
longing to be free of the past
striving to be fearless about the future;
like a little David
hoping to lay his Goliath
to rest
with gentle love and kindness
instead of WMD’s.

This inner challenge
Consumes me.
Once the life of the party
Now I carry the party with me
Everywhere I go.

Deeper and deeper
I move to my interior
In search of the “off” switch
In search of the “plug to pull”
On the memory storage
Which demands I see you
Through the lens of yesterday.

So, know that I am not ignoring you
When you ask my opinion
About global warming or the price of gas,
I am merely trying to love you
Without falling prey to the voices
Which insist it is not wise to do so
Because of the way you wear your hair
Or the way you flaunt your insecurities
By accentuating our separateness.

I know the Truth is that you and I are one.
I know, beyond any doubt, that the things
I see in you, which cause my consternation,
Are gifts to me, pointing me to where I
Need to learn to fully love myself.

I am so very grateful
That you are willing to play that part
In my life.

I humbly ask
That you be patient with me
As I learn to love myself more
So that I may show up
As real and as authentic as possible
When our paths next meet.

I know the truth about who you are.

I promise to keep discovering
The truth about who I am.