If you are still here, I apologize to you for not sharing my thoughts for so long. My life has been more complicated, in large part because of a failure, on my part, to live the Secrets which I have been writing for over ten years. I think, at one time or another, all of us who attempt to share what life has taught us, experience “The Impostor Syndrome.”
For me, this typically shows up one of two ways: Either I feel I have nothing left to share, or I feel unqualified to share my thoughts and observations. It does not matter that I know, in my heart of hearts, this is only my little ego being afraid. Such knowledge offers very little comfort when my life is reflecting back to me (largely because of choices I am making or have made) that I cannot live the “Truths” I share.
Knowing that the eyes which catch the reflections of my life are filtered by this strong negativityÂ does not seem to offer much relief. When I am healthy. When I am merely walking my day-to-day journey and not allowing my thoughts to be dominated by “what I have not accomplished, what goals I have not reached, or which songs remain trapped in my heart, because of the fear that I may sing out of key,” all is well. I feel healthy, happy, and free of the chains, which still creep around my heart and brain, like vines of Kudzu, from time to time.
Knowing that I can BE in a state of perpetual freedom, it seems almost unfathomable that I would ever make another choice; but the trickster, the Loki of my brain, is veryÂ adept at making me think that the fruits of my labor should define me. It encourages me to reject what I know to be Truth: (that simply BEING is enough.) Why shouldn’t this aspect of my personality be highly skilled? It has been my constant companion, and many times my perceived “I AM,” for most of my 60+ years. What amazes me, and from a healthy, higher ground amuses me, is that I can still be so imprisoned by self-loathing, which I have supposedly cleared from my consciousness, so many times in the last 34 years of my spiritual quest.
I find that I must keep vigilant, each and every day, indeed each and every minute to make sure that I am not lulled into the painful sleep, which my forgetfulness affords. Whether I show up here to report on my lessons and progress/setbacks or I take another extended sabbatical from my frequently malfunctioning electronics, I vow, to myself, that each time I become aware of my destructive inner thoughts, I will forgive my past and, Â at least for the present, set myself free.
To anyone who finds this post: I am really grateful that you have taken the time to read this. If you are like me, your soul must need to hear this. I know I needed to or my heart would not have insisted on revealing how I can exist in such an unenlightened state.